Unboxed

Well kids, here we are again. The day is done and I finally have a second to myself to gather my thoughts. When we last left off I was going through my boxes. (You remember, the room full of crap from ye olde shed?) OK,so I spent my weekend dealing with the boxes again. Lots of little revelations in there.  

Revelation #1 I have A LOT of stuff!!!

My dad asked me how I got so much stuff..."you are not that old"  he said!!! Well thanks for noticing dad... I am not that old, but I got a lot of the crap as castoffs from mom!!! Don't get me wrong, at the time I thought all of these things were super great.  "Woo hoo gettin cool stuff for free"... but  I think now I realize it was stuff that I wasn't quite ready to see go.   At any rate, I am over it now, and guess what folks?  I chucked about 2/3 of that crap into a garage sale pile!!!  It made me kinda wish Niecy Nash was there to host a garage sale for me and redecorate my place, but alas I am happy to settle for a mostly empty room and the freedom that a whole bunch of empty boxes brings.

Revelation #2  Hard decisions are sometimes really good.

I went through all of the divorce crap from Ben's dad.  UGH!!!! What a weighty and crappy time that was.  I had forgotten so much of the shit I went through to get to this place right now.  I had forgotten how suffocating and smothering and difficult it was to be with him.  He was so crazy in his demands and so misguided in his attempts to be a husband and father. Even after all of this time... 12 years... I was able to go back and be right in that place where I felt like I was being crushed by someone else's will. It wasn't really painful, but rather a good reminder.  I have never looked back at my divorce from Ben's dad as something that wasn't good.  In fact, I have always said that we should have never been married.  We had no business together.  There was no love lost there.  We got married because we thought it was " for the best"... Well, those of you who know me well (especially you dear Flickie) know that when something is for the best that it usually SUCKS!!!! and it did!!!

The reminder out of this particular box was to be true to myself.  ( Gross... how cliche'...) but that's what came up. When I was with Ben's dad...I was trying to be what he wanted me to be.  I was trying to live up to the picture of what I thought it meant to be a good wife and mother. I gave up my opinions... I gave up my appearance... I gave up my happiness out of misguided obligation.  I thought that if I looked the part, believed in my heart, and faked it enough that I could make it work with Ben's dad.  EGADS!!!! WTF?!?! At the time, it was the hardest decision I ever made.  I was afraid of what a divorce would do to Ben.  I was afraid that  he would somehow take Ben from me. I was afraid to be alone.  I let FEAR rule my life for awhile.   But you know what else?  I remembered that for every bump in the road and  every rocky horrible time, I have come away better and stronger, fortified even.  In fact, for all the times I wondered whether I was making the right decision, I have recently come to realize that I did make the right choice!!! Ben is awesome!!! He loves his momma! He is a great kid with an awesome sense of humor!!! He is secure in himself.  He cares for others. He knows that it is good to keep trying and that if he fails or falls short that there was merit in the attempt.   As much as the stuff in that particular box pissed me off, it was also a reminder that the payoff was so much more than I could have ever expected.

Revelation #3  There are some things you should never never get rid of!!!  

1.Old Journals!!!!  Such interesting reading.  ( The only one I have ever filled up is the magic green book) the rest have been started and then, I lose interest.   Curiously, it seems that my journals ( with the exception of the magic green book) contain a ridiculous amount of whining and bitching and lamenting.   What is it that keeps me from writing down the joyful things?  I think it must be that when one is joyful they want to live in the moment and when one is miserable... they wear it around like an old coat. I gotta change that... hmmm food for thought.

2. Old Pictures  YES!!!!  That is you with the too tall bangs and the leg warmers.  Flashdance baby!!!  Oh that's you too with the huge hair ( it defies gravity) in a burgundy prom dress... you really were that size.  Ohhhhh yeahhhhh those were your friends,  that was your family... this is your life... all of the pictures that embarrassed the crap out of you then... are such treasures now.   I am learning that.    I am being kinder to myself in my more recent photos then I was when I was younger.  I think its because I know in ten years I will think  "Sheesh... my ass was not as big as I thought it was."

3. Whatever lovies  you have from your babies.  Ben's best lovie was Puff.  He was once a fluorescent orange bear made out of parachute material.   Now Puff is kind of a dirty peach color.  He has no eyes.  He has had three noses.  Puff has been gutted once by a dog and twice by the washer.  I love Puff probably more than Ben does... because some of my fondest memories are of Puff being toted around by Ben.  " ...Puff to Ben Mommy" And now this new memory of Puff... when I offered to put Puff in the trunk of stuff to keep,  Ben opted to leave him out on his dresser. :0)

Needless to say friends that after a week of pulling crap out of boxes... washing clothes... throwing shit way... and letting go of stuff I simply will never use .... I feel lighter... happier... more settled.  I guess that too is something to remember in the future... when you can't focus because of all the crap in your life... it's time to get rid of it!!!