STUPID STUPID STUPID

So when we last left our fearless heroine, "Moi" I had embarked on the journey of becoming a roller derby chick extraordinaire. UNFORTUNATELY....I freakin broke my ass!!! 

I hate that!!! I hate that my vision... my glorious plan put into motion always gets monkey wrenched!!!!  Normally, this would be the time when I would say " Fine then... none of this for the Byrd... this was a bad plan... this was not meant to be."  BUT this is not NORMALLY!!!  I love love love roller derby!!!  I love the way the cement feels under the wheels of my skates... and the whirr whirring of the bearings with each successive glide. I love being outside doing something that is mine.  I even like the semi-freaky-wobbly feeling of getting up right after I put my skates on.

Isn't it funny how the picture we paint in our heads is usually wrong?   At one point, I really thought that I was going to make it through this journey without a major ya-ya.  Some of you know the last time I had roller blades on I broke my wrist... a pain I won't soon forget... but I had convinced myself that roller blades and roller skates are different... that somehow roller skates are safer. ( quit laughing!!!) 

SO I show up at practice, I strap these instruments of wheeled craziness to my feet... I put pads on my knees, and my elbows and yes kids... even my wrists.  I strap on the helmet to protect my melon... and I even have a mouthguard... I am ready for battle!!!  Da-da-daaaaa,  it is the Byrd ready to conquer the track!!!  I skate around... things are going fabulous.   I scan the cement for bits of rock or cigarette butts or other lurking objects waiting to cause me to eat shit!!! YES!!!!  Today we are going to practice for the skills test!!!  YES!!!! This is going to be awesome... I AM GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!!! 

Do you know how I broke my ass?  It wasn't doing the 25 laps in 5 minutes... it wasn't performing any type of blocking or hitting... no no.. it was from practing falling!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?   Instead of falling forward on all that padded squishy plastic goodness covering my knees and my elbows and my wrists... I managed to fall on all the padded squishy goodness of my ASS!!!   AARGGGH... I knew it was going to bad as it was happening too!!!  You all know that rare moment of clarity that you get just before something really really shitty happens?  Yes... I had that.  Here's out it went down ( or if you prefer... how I went down).

Roller-derby-leader-chick says ..."We are going to practice falls."

Byrdie thinks..."Ok I can do this."

Roller-derby-leader-chick says...  " When I blow the whistle... you guys drop to both knees and skid."

Byrdie thinks.." Uhhhh... hmmm... I don't think I have ever done that before."

Roller-derby-leader-chick says...  "TWEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTT"

Byrdie thinks... "Oh shit!!!"  At that moment I forced my left knee to the ground and it folded up underneath the mass of my body, while my right leg shot out in front of me.  I looked like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever... minus the coolness... minus the intended cool moves.  The force of the momentum carried my body forward while my ass planted itself to the cement.  I hit so hard that I thought I tore my butt in half.  I fully expected to find my guts on the ground.  I hit so hard that I saw spots and thought I was going to barf.  

Byrdie thinks... "Oh shit!!!"

Roller-derby-leader-chick says... " Try to fall forward next time." 

Byrdie thinks... well  I am sure you all can imagine what Byrdie thought. 

Ok... but I didn't quit right then... no...I attempted to carry on with the 25 laps in 5 minutes drill.  I wasn't quite ready to admit defeat... even though the agony in my butt was screaming surrender.  I headed over to the pack of other not-so-newbies and prepared for the drill.  Surely... this was something that I could manage right?

No... not right...  Roller-derby-leader-chick says...."TWEEEEEEEETTT"  Byrdie starts circling the track... along with 10 other chicks... most of whom were traveling much faster and less wobbly than myself.   Roller-derby-leader-chick skates right up to my side and starts encouraging me to work on my crossovers.   "You gotta work the crossovers... you  gotta do it...  its on the skills test... you gotta be able to crossover... CROSSOVER... CROOOOOOOSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!"  I tried to crossover but immediately realized that in crossing my right leg over my left leg that my right leg was unable to push with the force necessary to propel myself forward and was dangerously close to getting tangled up with my left leg.   " Oh GOD!!! I am going to get pulverized by the team."  " OH GOD!!!!  I  AM GOING TO REALLY LEARN WHAT IT MEANS TO GO ASSS OVER TEA KETTLE!!!!"

Before I knew it, I was being swallowed up by the pack... Brand-New-Little-Skinny-Blonde- Chick-With Hayhead-WHO NEVER SHUTS UP and  has wildly flailing limbs slammed into my left side ... I managed to stay up... but then superfast superstar chick came zinging around on my right and cut me off.   It was like bad slapstick comedy for a bit.  "I wonder if Lucille Ball ever did a roller derby episode"... if not... I think I worked out the details.

I was all short choppy trippy steps... my right arm shot up over my head... and my whole body twisted left, I missed the chick who stopped in front of me... I dodged the pair that were skating in front of her...  I stayed up!!!!  FUCK YEAH!!!!!!  I STAYED UP!!!!   Victory!!!!  VICTORY!!!!   OH MY GOD!!! WHY DOES MY RIGHT ASS CHEEK FEEL LIKE SOMEONE IS RIPPING IT OUT????? 

Roller-derby-leader-chick says." TWEEEEEEEEEEETTTT!!!!" 

Byrdie gimps off to the edge of the track holding my ass and cursing the world. 

Needless to say... I didn't finish practice.  My butt was rapidly becoming cement ass... meaning the knot was growing and growing.  I could hardly get in the car... and when I made it home... it took me five minutes to get out. 

So... I am out of the derby game for a bit... sadly... reluctantly... but I WILL BE BACK!!!

Kiss Kiss!!!

Byrdie

WORD!!!!

Well Hellooooooo Out there!!!!

Ok, so in our last episode I was coming up with this whole fabulous revelation that in order to go somewhere different that I had to decide what it was going to take to get me where I want to go. This was a good plan.

1. Make a plan to get you where you want to go.

You will be happy to know that I have revised ye olde resume AGAIN, sent it out AGAIN and have heard nothing back AGAIN.  Why am I happy about this?  Why am I not freaking out?  Normally, this would leave me feeling like a big failure and asking the dumb questions.... "Why don't they want me????  Why don't they think I am qualified????"  OK BING BONNNNGG (this is the dumb-dumb doorbell) ... here is the deal... I am way qualified, but it's not the right time.  When the time is right- the opportunity will present itself.  

I know this to be true.  It has been like that my whole life.  When something is meant to be... when it is right... when its a good fit... when its where I am supposed to be....then its easy...its not a constant struggle... it just IS.  I had to remind myself of this.  The time must not be right... that doesn't mean  that the plan has stopped... that doesn't mean that the journey has ended... what that means is the time is not right and the focus needs to be something else which may open the different right door. Which brings us to Lesson 2.

2.  You can't expect ANYTHING to be different... if you don't do ANYTHING  DIFFERENT.

I did something different... really different.  I showed up to roller derby practice.  I hear you guys....WHAT????? You did WHAT?????  Truly Kids... No fibbing here... I got on the website... I figured out when the practice was... I frickin' showed up there two Saturdays ago, wore borrowed skates and equipment, and I TRIED IT!!!  Ten years ago... no way... I would have rather died than show up somewhere BY MYSELF  and risk potential embarrassment , injury to my pride and  possible humiliation at the hands of chicks way younger, skinnier and cooler than I could ever be.  But here's the thing... none of those things happened.  I ate shit once... it hurt... but I didn't die.  Nobody pointed their finger at me and laughed or told me to go home.   The chicks were younger and some were skinnier, but they were kind to me.  They encouraged me.  The made me feel welcome, and they shared their knowledge with me. Cool yes!!!  Cooler than me, hmmmm...Not so much.   I had the BEST  time!!! It will be sooooooooo long before I am ready to even test to be on a team, but I am satisified with my attempt. 

I was so satisfied that I went and bought my own skates and my own pads and my own helmet.  I was so satisified that I endured the ribbing of the people who love me. ( Thank you brother!!!)   I was so satisfied that I marched my ass back there yesterday and did it again.  I think the second time was scarier than the first.  This time there were like 40 girls there.  There were some really good skaters there, and my first instinct was to bolt.  "Oh Shit... what will this be like?"   Ok... then myself and I had a chat.  "Byrdie... its no different than the last time... these chicks are not going to slay you.  They are NOT going to throw their duct tape at you and call you names.  It is OK to be new... it is OK to suck a little bit... it is OK to be flawed and ask for help.  HEY BYRDIE IT IS OK TO BE YOURSELF!!!!"

I tried every single thing they asked of me... it is a well known fact that I am not athletic.  I took breaks. My face became the most fantastic shade of cranberry. Indeed there will likely be no running in my future.  I don't think I sweated that much  even when I was in labor with Ben!!! My hair was dripping... and you all who know me... know I am not into being all sweaty.  I got off the skates yesterday and had rubber legs, which should have been a clear precursor to how I would be feeling today. 

I am so seriously paying for my second practice!!! It's actually quite comical.  I am moving around like I am 80. I cannot sit down without a major commitment, and I cannot get up without help.  Stairs are a challenge.  Now... I have new respect for the grip bars they put in bathroom stalls and find myself kind of wishing I had them in mine.  I will be at practice tomorrow.

Listen, the first 39 years have flown by... I imagine the next 39 are comin on in a hurry.  When I look back, I want to be able to say that I didn't live in fear of the unknown.  I want to be able to say that I wasn't paralyzed by MYSELF!!!   I have been telling my son for years that it is ok to try and come up short.  There is a lot to be gained in the attempt. If we all were instantly great at everything we did, then I suspect that life would lose a little bit of its shine. The failures make the successes that much sweeter.  I challenge you all to move a bit out of your comfort zone and see what comes to you. I can't wait to see what comes next to me.

Love, Byrdie

Cloudy with a Chance of Sun Spots: HAPPY NEW YEAR?!?!!!

Cloudy with a Chance of Sun Spots: HAPPY NEW YEAR?!?!!!: "Wait... what??? Say it again.... I just want to make sure I heard that right. Holy Shit!!! I did hear it r..."

HAPPY NEW YEAR?!?!!!

Wait... what???  

Say it again.... I just want to make sure I heard that right.  

Holy Shit!!! I did hear it right... it IS 2011!!!  YAY!!!  CELEBRATIONS!!! HORNS!!!!  CHAMPAGNE!!!

I didn't think I was going to make it out of 2010 alive. 

This year did  a number on me... how 'bout y'all?  I have come out the other side a little beat up... certainly older... and hopefully a bit more motivated. 

So... the Facebook has a page... an app... I don't know... apparently now I am 152 years old (the Facebook)... ANYWAY  the Facebook as this thing that tells me everyday what God wants me to know.  This seems silly... wishful thinking even... God talking to me from the Facebook.  OK BUT HE IS GOD... He could be talking to me from the Facebook... why not just assume that He is talking.   It wouldn't be so far out of character for the Big Guy.  He knows us... knows what we need... knows how to make Himself known to each of us. Right?

On Christmas Day, God wanted me to know that " that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.  You can tell yourself you have already decided, that nothing can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than the step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough?  Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot co back. And now, for you, is one of those times."   Sounds like God to me.

So... what kind of huge step am I supposed to take?  Listen up kids... I HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER JOB!!! 

2010 ate my lunch.  I worked longer and harder than I ever have in a job!!!  This job has made me cry!!! Seriously... crying... like can't catch your breath... eyes puffy and red... snot flowing into mentholated kleenex...crying.  This job has made me feel stupid for staying.  This job showed me that it is not smart to show that you're smart. This job has launched me into too many lottery fantasies, and this job has left me exhausted...lying on the couch wondering how the hell this happened to me.  Don't get me wrong, there are aspects to my job that I love.  I have met good people who will be my dear friends for years to come.  I have done good work and learned a lot of stuff.  I have continued forward in the hopes that the situation would get better, but it has not.

"We all do things we don't want to do."  I tell my son this at least once a week, but why does it have to be like that? I know there are people out there who LOVE what they do... would do it for free... would do it here or there... they would do it anwhere!!! THIS IS NOT MY SITUATION. 

Ok... so what am I gonna do about it.  Well those of you who know me... know that I have ideas... crazy ideas... big plans. I think I suffer from a split personality... you know like the cool person that lives inside me... doesn't hang out with the real person that is me.  HOW DO YOU MERGE THOSE TWO?  Anyone?  Anyone? Anyone?

Responsible me says "I have obligations... I have bills... I have to feed Ben... how can I do this without a job?" Well the quick and dirty answer is "YOU MUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE"   but maybe a better answer is this... make plans to get you where you want to go. (Dare I say it... a resolution? (groan) NO NOT THAT!!!)

That's right... resolutions are plans. I am a firm believer that if you name your resolutions... say them out loud- or put them on paper that they are doomed to fail. So I am hesitant to name my resolutions here and now.  Besides, why can't resolutions be something you make all year around?  Why do they have to be only on New Year's Day?  I think I have been thinking about this all wrong for many years.  I think it will be better to have a resolution for every month.  It gives you the chance to revise your vision right? 

OK so what is January's resolution???   

TO MAKE PLANS TO GET ME WHERE I WANT TO GO. 

January is going to be the month to make the road map. This is the month to  let my dreams take shape and implement the plans to get me there.  It's just a list... but it's action... forward momentum.   Let's see where we go!!!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!

Love, 

Byrdie  

Cloudy with a Chance of Sun Spots: Alone on a Friday Night

Cloudy with a Chance of Sun Spots: Alone on a Friday Night: "Word up people!!! Guess what I am doing? ( If you guessed Farmvilling, you would be wrong... this time!) I am currently sitting in an emp..."

Alone on a Friday Night

Word up people!!!

Guess what I am doing?  ( If you guessed Farmvilling, you would be wrong... this time!)  I am currently sitting in an empty house... by myself (except for two hairy children, aka Spencer and Jake) and I am wondering what I am going to do with myself for the next few hours.

It has finally happened people... my child... has abandoned me for his friends. :0(   I KNEW this was going to happen eventually. He is hanging out with his best chummy friends, and they went to see a movie.   Actually, they went to go see a movie that I wanted to see too... but alas I guess I will watch it on Demand when it comes out. ) (Waaaa Whaaaaaaaa)

In one way, it's really great that he has such good friends and that he is trying on his freedom legs and having a nice walkabout in them.  In another way...ugh...it has finally started... my Shmoopie is growing up and before you know it, he will be out of high school and on his own.

Tonight friends... I am going to sit here alone and try and get used to the feeling of this new thing. They say that is what you are supposed to do when you  have a feeling you don't like, you're supposed to sit with it until the idea of it makes you less uncomfortable. I will watch some TV and probably go sulk-soak in a tub full of bubbles and before you know it I will feel better.

It's not the end of the world!!! Sheesh... I am not going to drown myself in a sea of Calgon!!!  I  just recognize that I am not one who likes to spend a lot of time speculating on how things will be in the future, and tonight is a clear vision of what it's probably going to be like. I am choosing to take on this night of aloneness and turn it into all-one-ness.

So on this night of all-one-ness I am going to eat Cap'n Crunch... watch chick TV and tend to my Farm!!!

Toodles!!!

Unboxed

Well kids, here we are again. The day is done and I finally have a second to myself to gather my thoughts. When we last left off I was going through my boxes. (You remember, the room full of crap from ye olde shed?) OK,so I spent my weekend dealing with the boxes again. Lots of little revelations in there.  

Revelation #1 I have A LOT of stuff!!!

My dad asked me how I got so much stuff..."you are not that old"  he said!!! Well thanks for noticing dad... I am not that old, but I got a lot of the crap as castoffs from mom!!! Don't get me wrong, at the time I thought all of these things were super great.  "Woo hoo gettin cool stuff for free"... but  I think now I realize it was stuff that I wasn't quite ready to see go.   At any rate, I am over it now, and guess what folks?  I chucked about 2/3 of that crap into a garage sale pile!!!  It made me kinda wish Niecy Nash was there to host a garage sale for me and redecorate my place, but alas I am happy to settle for a mostly empty room and the freedom that a whole bunch of empty boxes brings.

Revelation #2  Hard decisions are sometimes really good.

I went through all of the divorce crap from Ben's dad.  UGH!!!! What a weighty and crappy time that was.  I had forgotten so much of the shit I went through to get to this place right now.  I had forgotten how suffocating and smothering and difficult it was to be with him.  He was so crazy in his demands and so misguided in his attempts to be a husband and father. Even after all of this time... 12 years... I was able to go back and be right in that place where I felt like I was being crushed by someone else's will. It wasn't really painful, but rather a good reminder.  I have never looked back at my divorce from Ben's dad as something that wasn't good.  In fact, I have always said that we should have never been married.  We had no business together.  There was no love lost there.  We got married because we thought it was " for the best"... Well, those of you who know me well (especially you dear Flickie) know that when something is for the best that it usually SUCKS!!!! and it did!!!

The reminder out of this particular box was to be true to myself.  ( Gross... how cliche'...) but that's what came up. When I was with Ben's dad...I was trying to be what he wanted me to be.  I was trying to live up to the picture of what I thought it meant to be a good wife and mother. I gave up my opinions... I gave up my appearance... I gave up my happiness out of misguided obligation.  I thought that if I looked the part, believed in my heart, and faked it enough that I could make it work with Ben's dad.  EGADS!!!! WTF?!?! At the time, it was the hardest decision I ever made.  I was afraid of what a divorce would do to Ben.  I was afraid that  he would somehow take Ben from me. I was afraid to be alone.  I let FEAR rule my life for awhile.   But you know what else?  I remembered that for every bump in the road and  every rocky horrible time, I have come away better and stronger, fortified even.  In fact, for all the times I wondered whether I was making the right decision, I have recently come to realize that I did make the right choice!!! Ben is awesome!!! He loves his momma! He is a great kid with an awesome sense of humor!!! He is secure in himself.  He cares for others. He knows that it is good to keep trying and that if he fails or falls short that there was merit in the attempt.   As much as the stuff in that particular box pissed me off, it was also a reminder that the payoff was so much more than I could have ever expected.

Revelation #3  There are some things you should never never get rid of!!!  

1.Old Journals!!!!  Such interesting reading.  ( The only one I have ever filled up is the magic green book) the rest have been started and then, I lose interest.   Curiously, it seems that my journals ( with the exception of the magic green book) contain a ridiculous amount of whining and bitching and lamenting.   What is it that keeps me from writing down the joyful things?  I think it must be that when one is joyful they want to live in the moment and when one is miserable... they wear it around like an old coat. I gotta change that... hmmm food for thought.

2. Old Pictures  YES!!!!  That is you with the too tall bangs and the leg warmers.  Flashdance baby!!!  Oh that's you too with the huge hair ( it defies gravity) in a burgundy prom dress... you really were that size.  Ohhhhh yeahhhhh those were your friends,  that was your family... this is your life... all of the pictures that embarrassed the crap out of you then... are such treasures now.   I am learning that.    I am being kinder to myself in my more recent photos then I was when I was younger.  I think its because I know in ten years I will think  "Sheesh... my ass was not as big as I thought it was."

3. Whatever lovies  you have from your babies.  Ben's best lovie was Puff.  He was once a fluorescent orange bear made out of parachute material.   Now Puff is kind of a dirty peach color.  He has no eyes.  He has had three noses.  Puff has been gutted once by a dog and twice by the washer.  I love Puff probably more than Ben does... because some of my fondest memories are of Puff being toted around by Ben.  " ...Puff to Ben Mommy" And now this new memory of Puff... when I offered to put Puff in the trunk of stuff to keep,  Ben opted to leave him out on his dresser. :0)

Needless to say friends that after a week of pulling crap out of boxes... washing clothes... throwing shit way... and letting go of stuff I simply will never use .... I feel lighter... happier... more settled.  I guess that too is something to remember in the future... when you can't focus because of all the crap in your life... it's time to get rid of it!!!