WORD!!!!

Well Hellooooooo Out there!!!!

Ok, so in our last episode I was coming up with this whole fabulous revelation that in order to go somewhere different that I had to decide what it was going to take to get me where I want to go. This was a good plan.

1. Make a plan to get you where you want to go.

You will be happy to know that I have revised ye olde resume AGAIN, sent it out AGAIN and have heard nothing back AGAIN.  Why am I happy about this?  Why am I not freaking out?  Normally, this would leave me feeling like a big failure and asking the dumb questions.... "Why don't they want me????  Why don't they think I am qualified????"  OK BING BONNNNGG (this is the dumb-dumb doorbell) ... here is the deal... I am way qualified, but it's not the right time.  When the time is right- the opportunity will present itself.  

I know this to be true.  It has been like that my whole life.  When something is meant to be... when it is right... when its a good fit... when its where I am supposed to be....then its easy...its not a constant struggle... it just IS.  I had to remind myself of this.  The time must not be right... that doesn't mean  that the plan has stopped... that doesn't mean that the journey has ended... what that means is the time is not right and the focus needs to be something else which may open the different right door. Which brings us to Lesson 2.

2.  You can't expect ANYTHING to be different... if you don't do ANYTHING  DIFFERENT.

I did something different... really different.  I showed up to roller derby practice.  I hear you guys....WHAT????? You did WHAT?????  Truly Kids... No fibbing here... I got on the website... I figured out when the practice was... I frickin' showed up there two Saturdays ago, wore borrowed skates and equipment, and I TRIED IT!!!  Ten years ago... no way... I would have rather died than show up somewhere BY MYSELF  and risk potential embarrassment , injury to my pride and  possible humiliation at the hands of chicks way younger, skinnier and cooler than I could ever be.  But here's the thing... none of those things happened.  I ate shit once... it hurt... but I didn't die.  Nobody pointed their finger at me and laughed or told me to go home.   The chicks were younger and some were skinnier, but they were kind to me.  They encouraged me.  The made me feel welcome, and they shared their knowledge with me. Cool yes!!!  Cooler than me, hmmmm...Not so much.   I had the BEST  time!!! It will be sooooooooo long before I am ready to even test to be on a team, but I am satisified with my attempt. 

I was so satisfied that I went and bought my own skates and my own pads and my own helmet.  I was so satisified that I endured the ribbing of the people who love me. ( Thank you brother!!!)   I was so satisfied that I marched my ass back there yesterday and did it again.  I think the second time was scarier than the first.  This time there were like 40 girls there.  There were some really good skaters there, and my first instinct was to bolt.  "Oh Shit... what will this be like?"   Ok... then myself and I had a chat.  "Byrdie... its no different than the last time... these chicks are not going to slay you.  They are NOT going to throw their duct tape at you and call you names.  It is OK to be new... it is OK to suck a little bit... it is OK to be flawed and ask for help.  HEY BYRDIE IT IS OK TO BE YOURSELF!!!!"

I tried every single thing they asked of me... it is a well known fact that I am not athletic.  I took breaks. My face became the most fantastic shade of cranberry. Indeed there will likely be no running in my future.  I don't think I sweated that much  even when I was in labor with Ben!!! My hair was dripping... and you all who know me... know I am not into being all sweaty.  I got off the skates yesterday and had rubber legs, which should have been a clear precursor to how I would be feeling today. 

I am so seriously paying for my second practice!!! It's actually quite comical.  I am moving around like I am 80. I cannot sit down without a major commitment, and I cannot get up without help.  Stairs are a challenge.  Now... I have new respect for the grip bars they put in bathroom stalls and find myself kind of wishing I had them in mine.  I will be at practice tomorrow.

Listen, the first 39 years have flown by... I imagine the next 39 are comin on in a hurry.  When I look back, I want to be able to say that I didn't live in fear of the unknown.  I want to be able to say that I wasn't paralyzed by MYSELF!!!   I have been telling my son for years that it is ok to try and come up short.  There is a lot to be gained in the attempt. If we all were instantly great at everything we did, then I suspect that life would lose a little bit of its shine. The failures make the successes that much sweeter.  I challenge you all to move a bit out of your comfort zone and see what comes to you. I can't wait to see what comes next to me.

Love, Byrdie